Stephen Colbert Gives Advice to the Class of 2013: `You Owe The Previous Generation Nothing’

Stephen Colbert, the host of Comedy Central's “The Colbert Report,” shared his wisdom and some wiseass remarks with the 2013 graduating class yesterday: “You do not owe the previous generation anything. Thanks to us, you owe it to the Chinese."

Speaking to the graduates and their parents at the 2013 valedictory exercises at the University of Virginia, Colbert referenced some of the hallowed institution’s illustrious alumni, like the university’s founder Thomas Jefferson, who he called "Prez Tommy Jeff, the Freckly Anti-Federalist, Louisiana Purchie, Ol' Bible Slicer." Colbert acknowledged that the U.S. president was well-known for "embracing diversity," a reference to the founding father’s sex life. He also lauded Edgar Allen Poe, "or as his roommates called him, Creepy Eddie."

The award-winning satirist thanked the school for inviting him to be the keynote speaker, "I believe that means I am this year's valedictorian, and I am as shocked as you are because I didn't make it to many classes this year. You guys must've really tanked your finals, thank you for that."

The University of Virginia recently made the top rankings in U.S. News & World Report and the Princeton Review. The U of Virginia also topped Playboy's listings of the top party schools in the country, but Colbert was quick to point out, "I only read Playboy for the rankings."

Turning his attention to a recent scandal at the school, when the U.Va. board of visitors ousted Teresa Sullivan as president and was forced to reinstate her following intense backlash from students, faculty and alumni, Colbert said "I want to thank president Teresa Sullivan. You are way better than that last president, Teresa Sullivan, she was terrible. I am so glad they cut her loose. Good riddance, I say! No, you are clearly the woman for this job."

Colbert made fun of Time magazine's recent cover story that declared millennials the "Me Me Me Generation." He said, "So self-obsessed, tweeting your Vines, hashtagging your Spotifys and Snapchatting your YOLOs. Your generation needs everything to be about you. And that's very upsetting to us baby boomers because self-absorption is kind of our thing."

The comedian also had some serious advice, "You may learn sooner than most generations the hard lesson that you must always make the path for yourself. There is no secret society out there that will tap you on your shoulder one night and show you the way. Because the true secret is your life will not be defined by the society that we have left you."
Graduates will receive their diplomas today at a separate commencement.