Recently, pages of Goo Hara's diary had been revealed to the public through JTBC's program "Spotlight." The heartbreaking contents of the late idol's entries made netizens and fans shed tears.
In her journal, it can be read how the singer-actress was struggling before her death. The diary that was shared to the public even has entries dated as far back as Hara's high school years.
"It's alright, Hara. It does not hurt. Everything is alright."
Other entries were on a positive note expressing her excitement as she achieved different milestones. On some pages, the young Goo Hara also wrote about crushes and puppy love. She also left tiny notes for herself regarding self-love.
But what caught the attention of the hosts and viewers were the entries from before her death. It was clear from Hara's journal how hurt she was. At one point, she even wrote forgiveness to God and asked Him to look after her. It looked like the singer turned to religion as a way to comfort herself during dark times.
There was another entry where she talked about feeling emptiness growing up because she didn't have a mother, but she always tried to look ahead and work hard for the future.
"What you say and think it always comes true. I need to protect myself. I know I can be more sensitive than others, and sometimes, I also get scared of how well I know myself. But I don't want to drain my energy. I have to take care of myself. I need to think positive and be happy. I miss my mom. I want to know what it feels like to have a mother. I always shrugged it off, but I'm desperate, and I just want a mom.
Hurting... I can't."
Of all the pages in Goo Hara's journal, one of the most written phrases is "It's alright." A Psychology professor analyzed the late singer's diary. Prof. Kim Tae Kyung said that Hara comforted herself by writing the phrase, "it's alright." She made herself believe that it was going to be alright.
"It's alright. It's alright. It's alright, Hara. It's alright."
But what caught Professor Kim's attention was how Hara slowly began to feel afraid. "Am I bothersome? Is my existence wrong? What should I do? Even I wonder as to who I am. Do I want love? Am I allowed to love?"
The psychologist explained that these lines of thoughts usually come from people who lacked love growing up. They weren't given unconditional love as children, so they always felt the need to beg and work hard for love and attention. This may also be the result of her mother abandon Hara and her brother at a young age.
"I am like this because of you. You gave birth to me, but how can you take me with you while you were cheating with dad? Why did you give birth to me if you would be this way?"
Professor Kim also said how Hara showed great affection towards her father but distance and hatred to her mom. It's evident in her journal how she refers to her father as "dad," but she calls her mother by her first name.
When the hosts asked the psychologist why Hara said she missed her mom, he answered, "She doesn't actually miss her mother, but she misses the idea of having a mother. She just wanted to feel what it was like to have a loving mom who cares for her children."
"You know when we say mother, we don't think of them as someone who just gave birth to us. We associate moms with a feeling of comfort and security. She may have been talking about the woman who gave birth to her, but she was longing for a mother full of warmth and love," the professor continued.
It's highly likely that when she wrote, "I need someone to comfort me. I am tired, and I'm having a tough time," she was already crying for help.
It's has been almost a year since Goo Hara chose to leave. Up to this day, her fans, friends, and family miss her a lot. Her brother petitioned the "Goo Hara Act" and was also in a legal battle against their biological mother, who had claimed Goo Hara's inheritance.
